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Insomniatic Ramblings

4:30 AM

It's less than a week from con.

Haunted.

I can't sleep, I have nothing but con on my mind

past present future.

It's this time a year where I miss the people who don't go to con anymore, or rather I don't have contact with anymore. It's full of silly, it's full of stupid, but most of all it's full of honesty.

Pictures are the worst. I see smiling happy faces I never see anymore. I see people smile in ways I haven't seen them smile at the con in years. I see people who have left my life on good and bad terms and I can't help but miss them. I'm not always a good person. I do both bad and good things to bad and good people and I recieve the same in kind.

I know it wears us all down. I know why Con-Chairs don't even try to repeat anymore. Maybe the con will reinvigorate me, maybe it won't. Maybe it'll help me forget the friends lost, maybe it won't. Maybe I'll go around con, and look at my mental score list. Who's mising from the con to make it truly complete for me, what could I have done better on my way here. What fights should I have avoided, and which should I have pressed harder on?

I remember what it was like meeting so many friends for that first time. I remember what it was like staffing with them the first time. I remember what it was like when the first one left, then the second, third, ad nauseum. It's coming to some terrible head and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my self after this. I wish I could say "Come to the con, don't worry about anything that happened. Remember the smiles, remember the fun? I do. It doesn't have to be this way! Forget whatever drove you away.. I forgive you, will you forgive me?" To many people gone, to many people lost.

Ghosts... always haunted...

Gotta sleep... god I sound rambly...



Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me "I told you so..."

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear...

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me "I told you so..."

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me "I told you so..."

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
cousin_sue
Jul. 14th, 2007 11:24 am (UTC)
In some ways it gets better.

In some ways it doesn't.

Just remember the famous words of Mike Ryan.

"You have staff. Use them."
ranmah
Jul. 14th, 2007 12:28 pm (UTC)
Some of us are here when needed the most.
pockyman
Jul. 15th, 2007 03:59 am (UTC)
I can completely understand what you're going through, man. It's a very heavy burden to bear, and even more so in your case, since the convention is so much bigger than mine was.

I'm always here if you need to call and talk, dude.

And after the con, I will say, 'Welcome to the 'I survived' club. Jim, Terry and I are all card-carrying members. :3
med_kitty
Jul. 15th, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)
I'll be there if you need the help. *hugs* Just let me know.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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